Just had an amazing Spreecast session with Julie and some of the Mandala Mavens and it reminded me that I need to update my blog. I still haven't posted my December Stage 12 mandala, let alone my new Stage 1 mandala for this year's Mandala Magic - oops!
So checking in, how am I doing? Very confused in some ways, very clear in others. Sleeping well for the first time in over 2 years - 7 nights in a row now!!! Letting go and moving forward is definitely a massive step in the right direction.
Still struggling to let go of the final contact with Rich after leaving in December. I've been able to resist responding to his last email from Wednesday last week (I know, I know) though I have been tempted many times, and have been over and over literally hundreds of potential responses in my head, ranging from calm, simple closing statements to pages and pages of raging and demands for him to understand me. And in the end, this afternoon, I simply deleted the message and its associated historical messages and emptied the trash folder so I couldn't change my mind. And I have found some peace in that. Though later this afternoon, my head turned back to ways of re-initiating contact, of starting a new email thread, of having a prepared response for when I next come into contact with him. So I grabbed my Oracle cards for some guidance on whether this is all just ego, or if I really do need to have some final contact. And the answers were very clear - move on, it's over, you have said what you needed to say, let that be the end of it. And even then my ego couldn't quite drop it so I went to one of my favourite decks, the Power Animal oracle cards (Stephen D Farmer) to see if there was any teensy weensy chance at all that I should just sneak out one last email. And I drew Otter: Surrender. LET GO of control (yes, that emphasis is on the actual card, rofl). And checking the book "... releasing any attempts to force your agenda on life." Ahh, ok then, can't really get much clearer than that without a smack in the face with a wet fish, pmsl.
I think I'm starting to understand how mothers of teenagers feel when they really should just let go and let nature take its course. That itching feeling of needing to keep just a tentative little guiding hand available, just to steer a smidge in the right direction, that gets slapped away with increasing irritation by aforementioned teengrunt (word shamelessly borrowed from Donna, lol) as they strive to find their own way in the world, work out their own ways of doing things and learn how finally (hopefully!) to grow up!
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