Catch up on Mandalas

So my blogging on my Mandalas stopped at Stage 6 - which in fact turned out to be a pivotal stage.  That decision, that huge piece of art (compared with the ones that went before and came after) ultimately did turn out to be the start of a series of changes that have brought me to a whole series of endings and new beginnings :-)

So what happened in between?

Stage 7 Squaring the Circle.  This stage proved to be a challenge, yet again, this time because the mandala just didn't feel right.  I was very resistant to measuring and using compasses and a ruler after getting used to the more feminine mandalas of just allowing the process to happen. It took several attempts to feel the flow and create something that wasn't forced but even now, several months on, I don't like the overall effect!  Though that tells me a lot, especially considering what was happening in my life at the time....

Round 7 - Squaring the Circle

And this was an alternative version I did.  Although I like the colours more, it didn't feel 'true' to the exercise and was a bit 'wishy-washy' - a cop-out, lol.

And if I thought Round 7 was difficult, that was child's play compared with Round 8 !!  Again, having to measure angles and follow the prescribed patterns meant it didn't flow and I had several attempts at this one too.  So much is clearer now, with some time and distance from what was going on then - in July, August, early September, I was really struggling to stay in touch with my inner self, and desperately seeking answers to what turned out to be the wrong questions.  I actually gave up on this mandala in the end, scrawling "I don't know" across it in black marker pen when I couldn't find the answers I was looking for!

Stage 8 - Functioning in the World

Stage 9 was a relief as this one just flowed easily and I was very glad I hadn't just 'forgotten' how to relax into the process of creating the mandalas.  Even though this was still a 'measured' mandala requiring the use of compasses, I felt much happier with colouring this one in and love the overall effect, though it wasn't at all the effect I'd had in mind.  The petals are coloured with watercolour pencils, then 'painted' with water, the green and yellow are sponged acrylics.
By this time I'd decided that my relationship really was over and that I would be leaving my job at the end of my current contract.  I was planning for that to be the end of October (I wasn't expecting my boss to beg me stay until the end of project which at that point was due to finish on Christmas Eve).  There was a certain amount of relief in that decision and I was becoming more solitary and withdrawing into myself a lot, which made connecting to my inner wisdom a lot easier.

Stage 9 - Reaping Rewards

And so to October and Stage 10.  This was both painful and releasing.  There were a whole series of these "Letting Go" mandalas, only a few of which are shown here.  So many things to get go of, to say goodbye to.  I can't even remember what all of these represented now, though some of them are obvious to me - the first one was burned in a hotel room and I had quite a job to get the soot off the carpet when I dropped it, lol.  At the time, I was on a weekend retreat in Bristol doing more shamanic work in Council and this was a very appropriate healing time to release a lot of the past and a lot of hopes for the future that would never be achieved. 

Stage 10 - Letting Go

Stage 11 was another one that I was ready for.  "Falling Apart" was so painfully relevant as a topic and yet it was another form of release to do the exercises and examine different aspects of the situation in which I found myself.  And it turned out that my shadow side is still pretty well integrated, I have been very honest with myself (if not perhaps with others) for a very long time and there were no shocking surprises or ghastly revelations to sit with.  I found this series very comforting and relaxing, more of a confirmation of what I already knew than anything else :-)

1. Scratch Art mandala

 

The scratch art mandala was a lovely exercise.  I didn't really dislike any of the colours so just picked colours at random that I wouldn't normally use and coloured in the circle.  I actually liked the overall effect of the colours, nothing jarred or felt out of place.  And covering it all up with black was very peaceful, like laying a blanket over something that needed to be kept safe and warm.  The scratching was also therapeutic - my beloved spirals again, lol - and I love the final result.  

 

2. Fractured Ego mandala

 

Another exercise that I enjoyed, though I was expecting to find this a little more difficult.  I took a photograph of myself and cut it up, then stuck the pieces down over a circle I'd marked on the page.  The picture looks a lot more random here than it does to me in real life - the full size page is about A4.  Again, nothing particularly negative or shocking came up for me, though there were some interesting facets when I asked the mandala some questions. 

3. Fractured Ego mandala v2

 

I did this one a couple of days ago, so 2-3 weeks after the previous two.  I thought perhaps I wasn't trying hard enough to dig around for my shadow so I picked the two qualities that infuriated me most about Rich and worked with those.  Even then, it was easy to find the positives and where they had served me and I found this to be another calming exercise.  I am in a very peaceful state of mind and am definitely on the right path so perhaps I have done with trauma for a little while at least :-)

25 December - Watch this space :-)

Having just read back over the last entry, that didn't quite work out as planned, lol.  Story of my life over the last few months :-D
Things have moved on quite a lot over the intervening weeks.  I managed to stick with the writing with the support of Lisa's Sassy SHE writing group and wrote around 50,000 words during November.  Much of it was journaling, some was on my skydiving blog and some of it was meant to be on this blog though that part didn't happen!  I also started writing a couple of short stories (not complete yet, I'm not sure that I'm a story-teller in that particular way) and wrote a piece for Julie's e-book on Mandala Magic that will be published soon :-) 

My mandala course for this year is very nearly done.  I have completed the 3 mandalas for Stage 11 and have started reading the material for Stage 12.  I have signed up for the next year when the Great Round of Mandala will be called Mandala Magic, although I believe it will follow a similar format.  It's starting on 8th Jan so I have a couple of weeks to complete Stage 12 without feeling rushed :-)  And I have loved it!  It has been an amazing tool in a year that has been very traumatic in many ways.  Mandalas have helped me to access my inner knowledge to a depth and degree that I never would have anticipated, and may very well have run away from had I known just how deep I would go, lol.  And it has become very much a natural part of my life.  I look forward to each stage, though some have been very difficult, and I allow the process to take over, get my head out of the way, which has led to some fascinating insights as well as a few shocking realisations about things I was trying to avoid facing up to.  Yet the deep work is always worth the soul-searching and having shed many tears, and called on reserves of strength I'd hoped never to have to drag up again, I have come out of the other side, stronger and happier than I ever would have thought possible considering the changes I've made.  I have left my job, left the flat, left London and in doing so, I have walked away from my relationship with Rich for the last time.  There will be no going back, no further chances, this time I'm done.  And the knowledge that there is no hope of reconciliation, that this is like a little death, for the loss of all the hopes and dreams for the future, facing that head-on, has at times brought me to my knees.  And now I am back on both feet, have processed that loss and am dancing towards the New Year and new beginnings :-)  I have so much to look forward to and no reason to look back.  I am bubbling over with ideas for the next few weeks and months and have so much to do to prepare for the next stage of my life. 

I chose to spend the Solstice alone, a weekend of contemplation and ritual, ceremonial fires and lots of candles and incense.  And I found a very deep peace in doing so.  It made coming back to London for the final day in the office far more bearable and allowed me the space to clear everything of Rich's from my home and leave it in the flat.  I had originally planned to take a couple of trips to sort everything out and maybe catch up with him one last time, then my intuition told me to just finish it, then and there, remove all of my belongings and make a clean end to it.  And so I did.  And coming back home to my own space for my last day of working (from home on Christmas Eve!) was such a blessing, despite the mess of piled boxes and bags that need unpacking and sorting.  And I have held onto that magic.  It is now Christmas Day and I am still enjoying my solitude, the peace, the quiet, the sanctuary that is my home.  Even though I have a lot of work to do here, it is still my sacred space. And one of my goals for this coming year is to declutter it :-)

I started my Celtic Trees course with Ros and Jon at the end of November and the first month was Birch.  After a bit of a struggle I found silver birch trees in London (lots of them at More London near Tower Bridge as it turned out!) and have found more back home, very close to my house.  I took the Friday off work to allow me to travel down to Exmoor at a leisurely pace, and on the Thursday night, the very lovely Amanda posted on the Crystal Dragon facebook page about a healing glade that was going to be planted in Henley-on-Thames the following morning.  I leapt at the chance to join the ceremony, so spent a couple of happy hours, digging holes, planting hawthorn, rowan and alder with crystals to protect them, and drinking mead, sparing a little to water the roots of the trees.  The trees are in 3 groups of 3 within a semi-circle of birch trees, whose roots extend pretty much the whole way across the glade.  I went back for the full moon (though as usual, she hid herself!) and hugged one of the birch trees for some time, before talking to each of the trees we had planted and watering them again with some mead.  The birch tree also gave me one of her branches, which had fallen off but was hanging just within reach, so that is now waiting for the right time to be carved. 
After finishing with the glade, I drove down to Glastonbury.  I had intended to climb the Tor or visit the Chalice Well Gardens though when I arrived, I was so tired, I decided to have a cup of tea and a rest first.  And whilst sitting in the café, I listened to my body and realised that, as usual, I was exhausted.  And there really wasn't any benefit to forcing myself up the Tor or walking a couple of miles to the gardens and back so instead, I wandered around the shops.  And bought myself some Yule gifts :-)  New journals for the Celtic Trees and for a new project I'm planning to start.  A sheepskin cover for my steering wheel since the electrically heated one seems to have stopped working.  A lambskin pad for my seat belt to protect my shoulder when driving.  A new hat with ear flaps for all this walking I shall be doing visiting trees in inclement weather :-)

And when I was done, I headed on towards Exmoor, thinking I might arrive early and explore.  Except I was so tired, I had to stop partway there and pull over - I slept for 45 minutes, only waking when the alarm went off, but feeling much better for the nap.  And so it has continued, this listening to my body.  Not ploughing on regardless, taking time out when needed.  And slowly I have come back to myself, back to my deep inner knowing.  And I have found a very great peace in that space :-)

Re-engaging for the full moon 17 Nov 2013

It's difficult to see where the last few months have gone.  In some ways they have flown by - is it really 5 months since I posted here?? - and in others, they have dragged and I have battled my way to the end of each week.

So many changes, so much movement and so much support from new friends and old.

And as I sit here, early on a Monday morning, I reflect on how I never would have anticipated the realisation of so many of the intentions I put out to the Universe.  There has been a great deal of pain and soul-searching over the last few months, aided very much by my lovely soul-sisters, mandala mavens, artists, writers, women with open hearts and beautiful minds.  And as part of my healing process, part of my on-going development, I have committed to bringing this blog up to date and maintaining it over the course of the next lunar cycle.

So where are things now? My momentous decision (with the aid of my Stage 6 mandala) brought me to telling my boss and the person who brought me into the organisation that I would not be renewing my contract at the end of July.  It also looked like the perfect time for a break from my relationship - time to go home, lick my wounds and start afresh.  Except it didn't quite work out like that.  My mentor arranged for me to move to another account, which also suited my boss as he had very little forward work to offer me.  I quite literally moved offices within the space of 2 days.  That led to a much more supportive working environment, with a great team of people and relieved a huge amount of stress. My commute was no worse, in fact I get to commute by boat on the Thames Clipper service - how cool is that? That gave me more time to focus on my relationship which was in dire straits.  And despite my best efforts at improving communication, that has now broken down completely.  Once I realised I truly was not being heard and that nothing I did or said was making any discernible difference, I took another big decision to stop wasting my energies on something that was now lost to me.  That in itself had far reaching impacts and there have been many further challenges because of that choice, overall though I made the right choice for me and have no regrets. 
We are currently going to couple counselling to ease the last few weeks before I leave and to try to disengage in a civilised fashion - the couple of months leading up to this point have been horrendous and were definitely not sustainable.  At least, not without one of us ending up underneath the patio, lol!
So I will move out in January, if not before, and perhaps we will manage to stay friends, however unlikely that seems right now.  At least I feel I can hold onto my dignity and my self-respect and my friends have proved their worth and support to me over and over again so I am most definitely not alone :-)

And there are many new projects on the horizon.  I have continued with my Mandala course - can't believe there are only 2 months to go to complete the first year! - and have joined other groups such as Amy's Goddess Guidance Group and Lisa's Sassy SHE group.  I committed to writing 50,000 words during November (around 1700 words per day) and so far, have kept up to date with it.  I make small commitments around my artwork and my writing (hence updating this blog!) to help keep me on track.  I have done 4 spreads in my I am, I am, I am art journaling book and have done the background for the last spread.  I now finally know what the last pages will be, though it only became clear this morning as I did some work on the penultimate spread.  So I need to complete that and then work on the cover. 
I have signed up for an art course that doesn't even start until April 2014 and am very excited about the synopsis for each of the individual lessons. 
For my spiritual practice, I am due to start a year-long celebration of Celtic Trees and Celtic Wisdom with Ros Simons which will be based around the lunar cycles (so 13 lessons over the 12 months).  I also intend to convert my pole room back at home into a treatment room and start up my therapies practice again, with Reiki Drum as a new addition :-)  I now have my beautiful Reiki healing drum painted with a gorgeous otter and stunning goddess symbol, courtesy of Nicola Wilson (Nicola's website) and of course, I still have my sacred buffalo hide drum for my journeying.

So life is good.  It is full and it is busy, I have loads more to relate but now it's time to get dressed and head to the office, lol.  I don't think it's going to be too difficult to commit to getting back on track with this blog, there is so much to tell and I am in love with my life x

Great Round of Mandala stage 6 - Igniting the Inner Fire

Much bigger piece of artwork than I've tackled since well before I left school - and that's appropriate because it's about a big dilemma!.  Trying to find the balance between my corporate side and my energetic side, my highly regarded well-paid and exceedingly stressful job and my softer, more flowing side where money isn't important and quality of life comes first.  

It's a struggle.  The first part, the idea for the background, came easily though my normal workbook didn't feel big enough when I tried to put the cut out words and images onto it.  So I sketched a rough outline on wallpaper lining paper and left it alone for a couple of days.  I started painting it this morning and had a blissful time, filling in the moon, then the night sky, then the sun and day sky.  And then I got stuck.
I found the envelope which had all my magazine and newspaper clippings in it and started trying to put them onto the background.  And none of them felt right.  So I went on the internet, found more images and quotes, battled my printer to get them on paper and went to add them.  And they didn't feel right either.  Resizing, trimming, overlapping, spacing - nothing made them look right.  So I took a break.
I posted the picture of my work in progress on the Mandala Magic site along with the Choosing your name mandala I made yesterday, and waited to see if anything came to me to determine what was wrong. 

Stage 6: Dilemma mandala

 And staring at the image on the screen, which looks somehow different to the 50cm x 50cm version on my kitchen floor, it suddenly struck me that the balance is already there.  The sun and moon are both part of the cycle of day and night.  There are times when the moon is in the day sky and times when the sun is out during traditional night hours. They are opposites and contrasts but they are not mutually exclusive.  When one is in the sky, that doesn't mean the other can't be there.  It is not having both that is wrong, it is trying to make one into the other.  Moonlight doesn't give the depth and richness of colour that sunlight brings, sunlight is too harsh for bats and owls and other night creatures.  So there's no use hunting for bats at midday, and there's little point in looking to take a stunning picture of an open rose at midnight.  Each has their time and place.  

So my dilemma is possibly not so much about ditching the corporate world entirely, though that works for some people.  It is about ditching THIS job, this particular nightmare, and not being sucked in by the flattery that entices me to stay where my heart bleeds every day for the pointlessness and the bullying, for the lack of control and direction, the waste of my efforts.  It doesn't diminish the fact that I am very good at what I do, that I deserve recognition, it simply states that this does not make my soul sing, it causes me to resist walking out of the door every morning and this is not living, it is surviving.  And the treasures that the money buys are not enough to make up for it.

And that decision has already been made, and declared.  The challenge will be in sticking to the decision and not to permit my reasoning mind to let me sidle sideways into another role that will bring the same pain and despair, whilst bringing in the income.     

Round 6: Choosing your name

Stages for creating the Dilemma mandala:

Gesso for texture on the moon

Squiggles of ready mixed paint

Sponged the squiggles give intensity & depth

More paint spots and sponging for the sun

Blue and white paint for the day sky

More catching up and a momentous decision

The decision first - I will not be renewing my contract at my current job at the end of July.  I am going to take some time to find out what I really want to do with my life, and I finally think I have some tools that will help me to take positive steps rather than drifting rather aimlessly, dabbling in various pursuits.  I have just signed up for Julie Gibbon's Art Journal Adventure to learn more about making mixed media storybooks - I am not a great fan of collage as an art medium for myself, probably because I'm not very good at it, lol, but I love the look of it in other people's art journalling.  And since I'm already doing some fairly deep work in Julie's Great Round of Mandala I'm hoping that learning a new technique with storybooks will help me determine what to do next. And if it doesn't, I can always find another contract, lol.  But in the meantime, I will make a concerted effort to really delve into what my true heart fire & soul passion is, rather than just going with the IT contract work that I am good that but which is, quite literally, soul-destroying. 

And on to more light-hearted stuff.  More playing and experimenting with the ICADs, still not really following any of the prompts but allowing things around me and other people's postings to inspire me :-)

#25 and #26 were done using foam stamps with acrylics on watercolour backgrounds that I made right back at the start of ICAD, when I was experimenting with the rainbow prompt.  Facebook is having hissy fits today so is posting images in all sorts of random ways, despite how they appear on my PC.  #25 is actually upside down, as the green glitter gel pen should be stems for the flowers.  

ICAD #25

ICAD #26

 #26 was an attempt to marble colours, but I was too impatient and didn't wait long enough for each layer to dry before adding the next one, hence the slightly muddy effect.  Glitter stars from a pack of card-making decorations from the 99p shop :-)

ICAD #28a

ICAD #28b

ICAD #27

 Another blog random - all of these pictures were taken at the same time in the same orientation but my blog (and Facebook!) won't put #27, or #28b in landscape mode, however I have them on my computer 8-/  And despite moving the first ones around without any problems, I can't change the order of these on the page.  Maybe it will correct itself over time, or once I publish the page!  # 27 was finger-painting with ready-mixed children's paint, then a rub-on transfer from a set (99p from The Works), whilst the rest were inspired by another posters ICAD where she put splots of paint onto one card, then squashed another card on top and peeled them apart to get interesting textures.  28a and b were the pair that I did this way, though I lost a lot of the lovely texture as they dried - maybe I need thicker paint or a less absorbent card.  I could try using gesso underneath or maybe a shiny paper. 29 was done by lightly pre-folding the card in half to mark the centre, then dabbing paint onto one half, before closing the fold.  I was aiming for a butterfly effect but Facebook wouldn't turn this image around and once I had viewed it in portrait mode a few times, I suddenly saw this as trees at sunset, reflected in water :-)

ICAD #29

ICAD #24

Very quick ICAD today - couldn't find my fibre tip pen and the nearest equivalent handy was one of the whiteboard markers I use for my wipeable fridge magnets :-D  Very thick tip so difficult to get any detail but quite like some of the overall effects.  Trip to the art shop tomorrow to get more fibre tip pens :-)

Like the effects I've created on our tiny patio/balcony at the flat too, with my pebbles from Cornwall and my new baby dragon sculpture - he's now cradling a heap of 'treasure', tiny crystal chips from a lovely little shop in Tintagel :-)  

My sunflower plants all survived, though a couple are looking a bit droopy (they drooped as tiny seedlings and seem to be continuing to grow that way!), and my lavender is finally coming into flower.  

Not sure why dragon picture turned out so red-tinted with the flash but love the way his treasure sparkles :-)

ICAD #23 and some holiday photos :-)

ICAD #23 - I am free to live joyfully

This ICAD was inspired by patterns in the paving at the retreat where we were staying and the affirmation came from an exercise that we did in how to move forward from a 'stuck place'. 

The paving slabs looked like this 

- and this was how it looked when I drew it in the sand (difficult to see the scale here but those are my footprints around the edges, so it was about a metre across).

I am free to live joyfully

I loved how much more I saw around me in terms of inspirations for art because of doing the ICAD and how much more creative I have become just from a simple daily practice.  For me, it is still not the quality of the end result that matters, but the process itself and what I am learning from it :-)

Close-up of stream running down to the beach

Ripples from drops of water

Sand zentangle with pebbles and crystal chips

Sand zentangle with seaweed and shells

Framing wildflowers at Tintagel Castle

My version of zen rocks :-)