30 days of journaling - Day 1

26 August 2014.
My journaling has taken a bit of a holiday for several months.  I occasionally scribble in a notebook and I journal when on retreat or on courses, but mostly I have lost the habit.  Last month I was working with Hazel on the Celtic Tree journey and was supposed to journal every day.  I managed day 1 and that was it, lol.  So here is a new attempt to write something every day and see what comes up.

It is late in the evening and I have just got back from another day on Exmoor, this time with the Celtic Tree "Apple".  Technically, it should be Crab Apple as that is the only native species of apple in the UK, though they are difficult to find in the wild as they aren't edible and have mostly been supplanted by grafted species.  

August has been a turbulent month, with the loss of my beloved collie cross Lady and the breakup of a passionate but short-lived relationship.  My ex has reappeared in my life 8 months after I left him and there are tentative signs that perhaps we might be able to be friends after a fashion.  I am still very wary and am definitely not looking to rekindle anything, quite the opposite in fact.  
I had hoped to have finished doing up the house by the end of July and it looks like the end of August will also come and go before completion.  It definitely doesn't feel like home and the urge to move on is as strong as ever, though I am somewhat lacking in motivation at the moment.  

I have camped a lot in the last few months and I sleep better under canvas than I do anywhere else.  Glamping for my birthday weekend was fun, although somewhat tainted with losing Lady on the Friday I was supposed to go, and then officially splitting with Jay on the Monday which was also my birthday.  No great loss as I had already decided it wasn't working for me, though he was particularly immature and cowardly about ending things.  

The Wild Camp was not quite what I had anticipated, though I did get some very clear messages and again, sleeping in a tent worked well.  I could have slept a lot more than I did, the 7:30 drumming alarm was somewhat unwelcome, lol.  

I have gone back to skydiving after a 2 month break.  It took a couple of jumps to get my landings sorted again, but had a great time at Chatteris and did some more work towards my FS1 qualification.  I did actually do one jump at Sibson on the Saturday but I think Chatteris may well be my preferred dz now, especially if Sibson turns into a tandem factory which is looking likely. 

Came home and felt compelled to draw a card.  Couldn't decide which deck so started with "Earth Magic" and pulled Ancestors - Generations.  My Power Animal Oracle card was Dove (serenity) - Slow Down, pause and breathe, then my Goddess Guidance card was Aphrodite - Inner Goddess: Awaken the Goddess within you through dance, self-care and appreciating your divinity.  All very relevant to the messages and realisations I have had recently so I guess I'm heading in the right direction with going to the Earth Dance gathering this weekend :-) 

Healing - from a prompt in a writing circle :-)

Healing through writing: 30 Jan 2014

Prompt:  think about and then describe a space or place you would go to for healing. It can be a real location, or make one up. Get detailed about what it looks like, feels like, sounds like. Are you there alone or with others? How does being in this space/place make you feel? What qualities are healing? Have fun, let it flow, and write in whatever form and for however long feels good to you!

The place I would go to is real – a beach in Northern Spain that is reached by scrambling down a path through a pine forest.  The beach is long and golden, with roaring breakers of surf.  I have been there twice, once with my Spanish friend Rosalina (though I actually don’t remember that visit) and once alone when I walked several miles there from the nearest village whilst she was doing a course for the day.  It wasn’t the beach she had directed me to, I took a wrong turning and just kept going for some reason J

The sun is hot on my skin as I take off my clothes and wade into the warm water.  I can feel the sand slithering around under my feet as the waves suck the grains from under me, then the energy of the surging tide as the water comes rushing back in around my feet, ankles, calves and up over my knees.  I walk a little deeper so the water remains covering my lower legs, and is now swirling up and down to my waist.  I shiver, the water feels colder now as it touches the dry skin, though my legs are tingling and feel warm as I wriggle my feet deep into the shifting sand.  I hear gulls calling above me and the sound of children shouting and laughing a long way off down the beach.  This stretch is deserted so I have the luxury of solitude whilst feeling distantly connected to other people.  I let my hands dangle in the water – the tide is coming in so the water is deeper now, though I haven’t moved from my place.  I watch my hands float on the surface, bob up and down with the movement of the sea and I find myself musing on how alien they look in this environment.  Hands are not really designed for catching, holding, moving water – I am making no impression on the ocean at all as I stir the water, only when I lift my hands up and out, then drop them in again, making splashes, do I see a minor impact.  I splash more, dragging bubbles of air deep under the surface and watching them rise and explode at the surface.  They tickle when they touch my legs under the water and suddenly I want to swim and splash and play so I launch myself forward into the next wave and kick strongly.  And I can feel the power of the water around me, tugging and pulling at me, yet also supporting me.  Such a dichotomy – I am supported because I choose to be so, if I stop moving or hold my body differently, I will sink beneath the water.  Yet if I truly relax, I will float.  And the motion of being rocked washes away my worries, my fears, heals the places within me that cannot be touched any other way.  And I am reminded of the quote by Isak Dinesen, “The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea.” Y

This is my place :-)

 

Drumming with Isis at Crystal Dragon - 29 Jan

Had a fabulous drumming session with the lovely Heather at Crystal Dragon tonight.  Was lovely to see Carolyn and Amanda again, and to meet Helen and Mick. 

One of our activities was a journey for guidance on 2014.  I started in the woods where we had our visit to see the Alder trees and crossed the river on a log of Alder with Pippin scampering at my heels.  As I moved further into the woods, they turned into the pine forest in Spain with the pathway leading down to the beach.  I made my way down and started paddling in the ocean, which quickly turned to wading, then swimming.  My Goddess for 2014, Sedna, swam up to meet me surrounded by seals and her message to me was very clear: “Remember this is your year of transformation!”.  And I turned into a seal and swam and played with Sedna and the seals, plus some dolphins who also turned up J 

As we played, swimming and diving, I had a vision of the sand mandala I created last summer on the Reiki Retreat at Bluff Cove in Cornwall, where I wrote “I am free to live joyfully”.  Yes, definitely.  Much more joy and playing this year.  Sedna gently reminded me that I need to remember who I really am when I am happy and full of life and vitality.  The past year has dragged me down, I have not been happy for a very long time and it’s time to return to that carefree state. 

As the drum called me back, I came to the water’s edge and shed my Selkie seal skin to return back up the path to forest and to my log bridge to cross back over the river.  I thanked Sedna and the seals and dolphins for the messages and the playfulness and came back feeling very refreshed.

I was also given a healing session where I chose “letting go” as one of my main themes, along with Rest.  My ego really does need to take a break from control!!  As the drums played around me, I felt a Wyvern come up behind me and wrap his wings around me to shield me from outside influences and give me some respite.  Then either he became very large or I got very small, as he lifted me in his claws and flew up into the sky with me.  I could feel the drumming vibrating all around me as we were flying, and I was free from all restraints, just being lightly held as I felt the up and down sweep of the steady wingbeats carrying us along. 

Ponderings - 26 Jan

Just had an amazing Spreecast session with Julie and some of the Mandala Mavens and it reminded me that I need to update my blog.  I still haven't posted my December Stage 12 mandala, let alone my new Stage 1 mandala for this year's Mandala Magic - oops!

So checking in, how am I doing? Very confused in some ways, very clear in others.  Sleeping well for the first time in over 2 years - 7 nights in a row now!!!  Letting go and moving forward is definitely a massive step in the right direction. 
Still struggling to let go of the final contact with Rich after leaving in December.  I've been able to resist responding to his last email from Wednesday last week (I know, I know) though I have been tempted many times, and have been over and over literally hundreds of potential responses in my head, ranging from calm, simple closing statements to pages and pages of raging and demands for him to understand me.  And in the end, this afternoon, I simply deleted the message and its associated historical messages and emptied the trash folder so I couldn't change my mind.  And I have found some peace in that.  Though later this afternoon, my head turned back to ways of re-initiating contact, of starting a new email thread, of having a prepared response for when I next come into contact with him.  So I grabbed my Oracle cards for some guidance on whether this is all just ego, or if I really do need to have some final contact.  And the answers were very clear - move on, it's over, you have said what you needed to say, let that be the end of it.  And even then my ego couldn't quite drop it so I went to one of my favourite decks, the Power Animal oracle cards (Stephen D Farmer) to see if there was any teensy weensy chance at all that I should just sneak out one last email.  And I drew Otter: Surrender.  LET GO of control (yes, that emphasis is on the actual card, rofl).  And checking the book "... releasing any attempts to force your agenda on life."  Ahh, ok then, can't really get much clearer than that without a smack in the face with a wet fish, pmsl. 

I think I'm starting to understand how mothers of teenagers feel when they really should just let go and let nature take its course. That itching feeling of needing to keep just a tentative little guiding hand available, just to steer a smidge in the right direction, that gets slapped away with increasing irritation by aforementioned teengrunt (word shamelessly borrowed from Donna, lol) as they strive to find their own way in the world, work out their own ways of doing things and learn how finally (hopefully!) to grow up! 

Completion of my I am, I am, I am art journal


 This was quite a voyage of discovery for me.  Initially it started out as a way of learning some art journaling techniques to see if I could make the method work for me.  I definitely struggle to cut out images and words from magazines to make coherent art but I love the results that other people produce and wanted to see if learning more about it would help.

I don't know that I really got much further forward in that regard, but I certainly found out a lot more about myself and produced a journal that delights me :-)

I followed Julie's prompts to find out what topics I would use for each spread - the inside pages came first and the cover came after I had finished.  In all, it took about 3 months to complete... some of the images have been published elsewhere in my blog, but it seemed fitting to put them all together to show the end result.

Front cover

 My front cover has a Celtic triskele, which felt highly appropriate for both the past / present / future aspect and for the triple wording of the I am, I am, I am title.  The background is sponged acrylics over white gesso; the basic triskele was an attempt at a print transfer which didn't work out too well, so I painted over it with a fine paint brush with black acrylic.  The writing and spiral were added freehand.

First spread

So my first spread was about the things which are supposed to be important to me, the things that society, my family, other people have all indicated to me are the trappings of success (trapping being the operative word!!).  My house, my car, my degree certificates, my marriage, conventional learning and knowledge (represented by the owls) and all the gold stars that signify approval from other people. 
Looking at this once it was complete, I was struck by how little my achievements fill the space.  It looks really empty, which was how I felt about most of these.  They didn't fill me with the happiness and sense of pride they were expected to, I wasn't satisfied with my life and didn't really know why.

Second spread

 The second spread moved on to my less conventional achievements - my energy work, my Reiki, drumming, shamanic journeying, mandala work.  This whole spread looks so much lighter and brighter to me, lots of sparkle and embellishments.  I look at this and smile :-)  These things all mean so much to me!

Third spread

The third spread was for all my other activities and things which make me happy.  My pole dancing, my skydiving, my Jack Russell Pippin who is sadly no longer with me.  Sailing, swimming with wild dolphins, fast cars, indoor rock-climbing, aerial silks, hoop, Vision Quests, abseiling, Stonehenge at sunset, The Wildlife Centre, drumming - a very eclectic mix that sums up contradictions and paradoxes in my life :-)

Fourth spread

 This spread took a long time to complete.  The handprints were a spontaneous act when playing with some modelling clay - I was trying to soften some old clay with water because I wanted to make a model of a goddess and my hands were completely covered with gloop.  I went to wash them and suddenly saw my background spread laid out where it had been drying for a couple of days.  On impulse I splatted my hand straight onto the page, then liked the effect so covered the spread. This was supposed to be about my cheerleaders, the people who support me, nourish me and keep me going so it took a while before it came to me how to best represent that.  In the end, I added butterflies and hearts for all the wonderful women in my life, through my Mandala Mavens, Goddess Guidance circle, Sassy SHE sistas, my close friends and confidantes and so on.  And paw prints for my beloved Pippin who is the spirit of my Reiki healing drum and who I feel close to me frequently.

Fifth spread

There was a time when I thought this spread would never be completed.  It was meant to represent where I am now, what my path in life is and I had no ideas at all.  I created the background and it sat looking at me, day after day.  Then one day I was doing some intuitive writing and a poem just flowed, which is the one I copied onto the left page.  That then led to the realisation that I am a writer - whether it be through my occasional poems, my journaling, my blogs, articles, random notes, love letters, long emails to friends - it doesn't matter, I just love to write.  And so, after a while, when I couldn't find an image that fit, I decided the most appropriate thing was actually the words :-)

Back cover

This came to me at pretty much the same time as the front cover - I sponge painted the front and back at the same time as a single spread (see below) and it's fascinating now to see how the colours changed through my art journal.  It started off very green and blue, with the odd purple accent then suddenly changed dramatically as I discovered my calling.  And that followed through with the spontaneous sponging of the cover.  I absolutely adore spirals, they have been a theme for me (along with hearts) throughout my mandala course and so when I found this image online, I had to recreate it.  As with the front cover, this was an attempt at an ink transfer that didn't work very well, so I ended up painting this on with a very fine paint brush.

Cover, as it was painted

Catch up on Mandalas

So my blogging on my Mandalas stopped at Stage 6 - which in fact turned out to be a pivotal stage.  That decision, that huge piece of art (compared with the ones that went before and came after) ultimately did turn out to be the start of a series of changes that have brought me to a whole series of endings and new beginnings :-)

So what happened in between?

Stage 7 Squaring the Circle.  This stage proved to be a challenge, yet again, this time because the mandala just didn't feel right.  I was very resistant to measuring and using compasses and a ruler after getting used to the more feminine mandalas of just allowing the process to happen. It took several attempts to feel the flow and create something that wasn't forced but even now, several months on, I don't like the overall effect!  Though that tells me a lot, especially considering what was happening in my life at the time....

Round 7 - Squaring the Circle

And this was an alternative version I did.  Although I like the colours more, it didn't feel 'true' to the exercise and was a bit 'wishy-washy' - a cop-out, lol.

And if I thought Round 7 was difficult, that was child's play compared with Round 8 !!  Again, having to measure angles and follow the prescribed patterns meant it didn't flow and I had several attempts at this one too.  So much is clearer now, with some time and distance from what was going on then - in July, August, early September, I was really struggling to stay in touch with my inner self, and desperately seeking answers to what turned out to be the wrong questions.  I actually gave up on this mandala in the end, scrawling "I don't know" across it in black marker pen when I couldn't find the answers I was looking for!

Stage 8 - Functioning in the World

Stage 9 was a relief as this one just flowed easily and I was very glad I hadn't just 'forgotten' how to relax into the process of creating the mandalas.  Even though this was still a 'measured' mandala requiring the use of compasses, I felt much happier with colouring this one in and love the overall effect, though it wasn't at all the effect I'd had in mind.  The petals are coloured with watercolour pencils, then 'painted' with water, the green and yellow are sponged acrylics.
By this time I'd decided that my relationship really was over and that I would be leaving my job at the end of my current contract.  I was planning for that to be the end of October (I wasn't expecting my boss to beg me stay until the end of project which at that point was due to finish on Christmas Eve).  There was a certain amount of relief in that decision and I was becoming more solitary and withdrawing into myself a lot, which made connecting to my inner wisdom a lot easier.

Stage 9 - Reaping Rewards

And so to October and Stage 10.  This was both painful and releasing.  There were a whole series of these "Letting Go" mandalas, only a few of which are shown here.  So many things to get go of, to say goodbye to.  I can't even remember what all of these represented now, though some of them are obvious to me - the first one was burned in a hotel room and I had quite a job to get the soot off the carpet when I dropped it, lol.  At the time, I was on a weekend retreat in Bristol doing more shamanic work in Council and this was a very appropriate healing time to release a lot of the past and a lot of hopes for the future that would never be achieved. 

Stage 10 - Letting Go

Stage 11 was another one that I was ready for.  "Falling Apart" was so painfully relevant as a topic and yet it was another form of release to do the exercises and examine different aspects of the situation in which I found myself.  And it turned out that my shadow side is still pretty well integrated, I have been very honest with myself (if not perhaps with others) for a very long time and there were no shocking surprises or ghastly revelations to sit with.  I found this series very comforting and relaxing, more of a confirmation of what I already knew than anything else :-)

1. Scratch Art mandala

 

The scratch art mandala was a lovely exercise.  I didn't really dislike any of the colours so just picked colours at random that I wouldn't normally use and coloured in the circle.  I actually liked the overall effect of the colours, nothing jarred or felt out of place.  And covering it all up with black was very peaceful, like laying a blanket over something that needed to be kept safe and warm.  The scratching was also therapeutic - my beloved spirals again, lol - and I love the final result.  

 

2. Fractured Ego mandala

 

Another exercise that I enjoyed, though I was expecting to find this a little more difficult.  I took a photograph of myself and cut it up, then stuck the pieces down over a circle I'd marked on the page.  The picture looks a lot more random here than it does to me in real life - the full size page is about A4.  Again, nothing particularly negative or shocking came up for me, though there were some interesting facets when I asked the mandala some questions. 

3. Fractured Ego mandala v2

 

I did this one a couple of days ago, so 2-3 weeks after the previous two.  I thought perhaps I wasn't trying hard enough to dig around for my shadow so I picked the two qualities that infuriated me most about Rich and worked with those.  Even then, it was easy to find the positives and where they had served me and I found this to be another calming exercise.  I am in a very peaceful state of mind and am definitely on the right path so perhaps I have done with trauma for a little while at least :-)

25 December - Watch this space :-)

Having just read back over the last entry, that didn't quite work out as planned, lol.  Story of my life over the last few months :-D
Things have moved on quite a lot over the intervening weeks.  I managed to stick with the writing with the support of Lisa's Sassy SHE writing group and wrote around 50,000 words during November.  Much of it was journaling, some was on my skydiving blog and some of it was meant to be on this blog though that part didn't happen!  I also started writing a couple of short stories (not complete yet, I'm not sure that I'm a story-teller in that particular way) and wrote a piece for Julie's e-book on Mandala Magic that will be published soon :-) 

My mandala course for this year is very nearly done.  I have completed the 3 mandalas for Stage 11 and have started reading the material for Stage 12.  I have signed up for the next year when the Great Round of Mandala will be called Mandala Magic, although I believe it will follow a similar format.  It's starting on 8th Jan so I have a couple of weeks to complete Stage 12 without feeling rushed :-)  And I have loved it!  It has been an amazing tool in a year that has been very traumatic in many ways.  Mandalas have helped me to access my inner knowledge to a depth and degree that I never would have anticipated, and may very well have run away from had I known just how deep I would go, lol.  And it has become very much a natural part of my life.  I look forward to each stage, though some have been very difficult, and I allow the process to take over, get my head out of the way, which has led to some fascinating insights as well as a few shocking realisations about things I was trying to avoid facing up to.  Yet the deep work is always worth the soul-searching and having shed many tears, and called on reserves of strength I'd hoped never to have to drag up again, I have come out of the other side, stronger and happier than I ever would have thought possible considering the changes I've made.  I have left my job, left the flat, left London and in doing so, I have walked away from my relationship with Rich for the last time.  There will be no going back, no further chances, this time I'm done.  And the knowledge that there is no hope of reconciliation, that this is like a little death, for the loss of all the hopes and dreams for the future, facing that head-on, has at times brought me to my knees.  And now I am back on both feet, have processed that loss and am dancing towards the New Year and new beginnings :-)  I have so much to look forward to and no reason to look back.  I am bubbling over with ideas for the next few weeks and months and have so much to do to prepare for the next stage of my life. 

I chose to spend the Solstice alone, a weekend of contemplation and ritual, ceremonial fires and lots of candles and incense.  And I found a very deep peace in doing so.  It made coming back to London for the final day in the office far more bearable and allowed me the space to clear everything of Rich's from my home and leave it in the flat.  I had originally planned to take a couple of trips to sort everything out and maybe catch up with him one last time, then my intuition told me to just finish it, then and there, remove all of my belongings and make a clean end to it.  And so I did.  And coming back home to my own space for my last day of working (from home on Christmas Eve!) was such a blessing, despite the mess of piled boxes and bags that need unpacking and sorting.  And I have held onto that magic.  It is now Christmas Day and I am still enjoying my solitude, the peace, the quiet, the sanctuary that is my home.  Even though I have a lot of work to do here, it is still my sacred space. And one of my goals for this coming year is to declutter it :-)

I started my Celtic Trees course with Ros and Jon at the end of November and the first month was Birch.  After a bit of a struggle I found silver birch trees in London (lots of them at More London near Tower Bridge as it turned out!) and have found more back home, very close to my house.  I took the Friday off work to allow me to travel down to Exmoor at a leisurely pace, and on the Thursday night, the very lovely Amanda posted on the Crystal Dragon facebook page about a healing glade that was going to be planted in Henley-on-Thames the following morning.  I leapt at the chance to join the ceremony, so spent a couple of happy hours, digging holes, planting hawthorn, rowan and alder with crystals to protect them, and drinking mead, sparing a little to water the roots of the trees.  The trees are in 3 groups of 3 within a semi-circle of birch trees, whose roots extend pretty much the whole way across the glade.  I went back for the full moon (though as usual, she hid herself!) and hugged one of the birch trees for some time, before talking to each of the trees we had planted and watering them again with some mead.  The birch tree also gave me one of her branches, which had fallen off but was hanging just within reach, so that is now waiting for the right time to be carved. 
After finishing with the glade, I drove down to Glastonbury.  I had intended to climb the Tor or visit the Chalice Well Gardens though when I arrived, I was so tired, I decided to have a cup of tea and a rest first.  And whilst sitting in the café, I listened to my body and realised that, as usual, I was exhausted.  And there really wasn't any benefit to forcing myself up the Tor or walking a couple of miles to the gardens and back so instead, I wandered around the shops.  And bought myself some Yule gifts :-)  New journals for the Celtic Trees and for a new project I'm planning to start.  A sheepskin cover for my steering wheel since the electrically heated one seems to have stopped working.  A lambskin pad for my seat belt to protect my shoulder when driving.  A new hat with ear flaps for all this walking I shall be doing visiting trees in inclement weather :-)

And when I was done, I headed on towards Exmoor, thinking I might arrive early and explore.  Except I was so tired, I had to stop partway there and pull over - I slept for 45 minutes, only waking when the alarm went off, but feeling much better for the nap.  And so it has continued, this listening to my body.  Not ploughing on regardless, taking time out when needed.  And slowly I have come back to myself, back to my deep inner knowing.  And I have found a very great peace in that space :-)